Alternate Universe!
by Crossover King 46
Summary: During the Mizuki incident, Naruto did not learn the Kage Bunshin. Instead, he managed to come across a technique with a use steeped in madness... What is the Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu?
1. Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 1: Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu! The Terror Begins!

* * *

Naruto Uzumaki poured over the scroll in his hands without a care in the world. Mizuki-sensei was definitely a great guy! After all, he was sure he had never heard of another teacher in the academy allowing people second chances at passing a failed Genin exam before. It definitely meant that Mizuki-sensei must've like him a lot… Well, more so than Iruka-sensei, anyway.

Kage Bunshin no Jutsu… That seemed kind of boring. Bunshin was never his strong point anyway, so maybe he'd pass this one over for now. There had to be something else in here that suited his tastes… Something more – well – awesome, he supposed. There had to be something here that gave out a large bang and was good for pranking purposes, or otherwise he would've just been wasting his time.

One of the lines on the paper caught his eye.

'Dangerous, not to be used under any circumstances. Forbidden for a good reason. Tampers with the time-space continuum. For God's sake, please don't use this technique. I'm begging you here. Look, you might not be able to sense my desperation through a piece of parchment, but can't you see this cute face? Huh? Every time you use this technique, God kills a puppy. Please, think of the Inuzuka. Don't use this technique.'

Right underneath it was a badly-drawn caricature of what seemed to be the Fourth. His hair was coloured yellow with what seemed to be crayons. Strangely enough, the wide puppy-dog eyes and quivering lip seemed to suit him quite well, thought Naruto with a shudder.

Well, it had caught his attention. There was no way in hell he wasn't learning this technique. If it really did what the writer said it did – killing puppies – then he might as well learn it. Akamaru had pissed on his orange jacket last week during class, and the stain remained, dammit. With any luck Kiba would be losing his emergency food source very soon.

"Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu…?"

* * *

Mizuki smiled as he stared down at the scene. Iruka was slumped against a tree, the wound on his back preventing him from moving or doing anything other than just sitting there. The injury had been straight on his back, and had it gone even a little to the left would've penetrated his spine. At this point, there was no going back.

Naruto stood in front of him, his eyes determined. That goddamn fox, it seemed like no matter what he did or said the kid kept getting back up. Well, that was of no consequence. There was no way in hell that the dead-last of the academy could do against a Chuunin with the abilities of another Hidden Village behind his back. The Kyuubi was as good as dead.

"Now then, Kyuubi… It's time for you to meet your victims in hell."

"Wait, wait, are you sure you want me to go to hell? I mean, that's a really bad place to be sending a demon of all things, isn't it?" asked Naruto, thinking quickly. He had seen something like this on TV before, so it should definitely work! "What's to say I won't suddenly come bursting out of the ground, with magma pillars everywhere and crap, declaring revenge on all you love and hold dear?"

"Ha! That's what you want me to think now, isn't it?" grinned Mizuki. There was no problem with a little banter before killing the brat. The Hokage's troops were hours away from finding this place after all. "Or, maybe you're trying to goad me into attacking you so you can actually do that. Oh no, I'm not going to fall to your reverse psychology, kiddo."

"That's what I would want you to think now, wouldn't it?"

"That's what I would want you to think that I think now, wouldn't it?"

"That's what I would want you to think that I think that you think now, wouldn't it?"

Mizuki tried to count how far they had gone along with this thing. He really couldn't. Instead, he simply growled and held up his fuuma shuriken. This kid was really starting to piss him off now. He could very well be off in the Hidden Sound, enjoying the view and the Pina Coladas as Orochimaru had promised him.

Unaware to the traitorous Chuunin, however, Naruto had been making seals behind his back. During the banter, he had completed about twenty-five out of thirty seals, and he was rapidly finishing off the rest. Grinning, he rose his hand up and bit his thumb.

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

He slammed his hand down, and suddenly there was a burst of smoke. Mizuki closed his eyes as the debris got into them, and blinked as he looked outwards, a little afraid. The kid knew the Kuchiyose? That meant he might be in a little more trouble than he had first expected… Nevertheless, with his chakra reserves, it couldn't have been anything big.

When the smoke cleared, he blinked. He had expected an animal of some sort, perhaps a dog or cat like the common Kuchiyose. Hell, if it had been a frog or a snake or something it would've made more sense.

What was standing in front of him, however, was definitely not an animal. Well, technically, it was, but calling people animals was hardly conductive to conversation. Another Uzumaki Naruto stood in front of him, slightly taller than the orange-clad one, and wearing clothing that seemed out of this world. A red cap with white stripes hid his blonde hair, and a red jacket with a backpack completed his ensemble. At his side, on his belt, were six white-and-red spheres.

"Huh…? Where am I?" asked the second Naruto.

Mizuki blinked, before shrugging it off. Whatever. One Naruto, two Naruto, it didn't really make a lick of difference to him. Either way, they were going down in a shower of blood and body parts anyway. Lifting his fuuma shuriken once more, he was prepared to slice off the neck of the three guys in front of him before the second Naruto noticed his movement.

"Hey, you must the last Elite Four!" grinned the cap-wearing Naruto. "I've been waiting for you for so long! What the hell happened to Lance, though? I thought he was the last one."

Mizuki shook his head. Whatever the hell this moron was spouting didn't bother him. It was clear from his posture that he wasn't even a trained fighter. There was no point in wasting any time talking to people who were soon going to be dead anyway. And they were cutting into his Pina Colada time! Once more he took up his shuriken, preparing to throw it. This time he would make sure he wasn't interrupted.

"Well, aren't you going to call your Pokemon?"

Mizuki threw his shuriken, missing the cap-wearing Naruto's head by millimetres. The taller blonde's face suddenly changed, as his eyes sharpened. Gone were the happy-go-lucky expressions of a stupid twelve-year-old, here was a hardened Pokemon Trainer.

"Oh… I see what's going on. So Team Sound's gotten even lower, using weapons instead of Pokemon now, huh?" asked the Pokemon Trainer, shaking his head. "Alright then, I will engrave the value of friendship and camaraderie into your head! Bring it on!"

What the hell was he talking about? Was this Gai disguised as Naruto?

With that said, he ripped one of the spheres from his belt and threw it towards Mizuki, who blocked his face, expecting a bomb of some sort. There was a flash, but the sound that came after was the one that scared him. Releasing his block, he found himself staring into the eyes of a horrifying creature.

Its empty eyes stared into his soul, and threatened to rip it from his stomach. He opened his mouth to scream, but found that he could not. Indeed, the vision of horror in front of him made him want to barf instead, had his entire body not been frozen at the sight of it.

"I choose you, Jynx!"

* * *

Sarutobi looked down at the bound and gagged Mizuki, who was spasming and convulsing like a Magnitude 9 earthquake. He looked upwards at Aoba and Genma, who had brought him in.

"You… say you found him like this?"

Both Jounin nodded, not sure what else to say.

"Well, are there any clues to why he became this way?"

"Well… he does keep mentioning something about a Lovely Kiss and Pina Coladas in his sleep…"


	2. PimpDaddy Naru! The Purple Terror!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 2: Pimp-Daddy Naru! The Purple Terror!

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto, as a rule, did not like to lose. Oh sure, he often did so, but that was usually out of his jurisdiction as far as actions concerning him went. However, on the off-chance that he could do something about it, he would go to any lengths to not lose. It was the way he was. It was the way his father was. It was the way Konoha was. And it generally did pretty well.

That was why he was going to go through with his next course of action, no matter how ill-advised it was. Momochi Zabuza and Haku looked at him with confusion and apprehension as the boy went through a series of thirty seals. Apprehension at the seals. Confusion at the looks on his teammates' faces. Uchiha Sasuke was pale to the level that Orochimaru would be jealous, while Haruno Sakura was matching the colour of a Hyuga's eyes with her complexion. Hatake Kakashi, on the other hand, was wearing the face of somebody expecting a great deal of entertainment. The dichotomy of their reactions... It was definitely a first for Zabuza, one of the Seven Swords of the Mist. Usually a team's expressions were unified when reacting, either happily to good news or badly to bad news. This was a first.

As was the jutsu itself, apparently.

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

"NO, NARUTO!" cried the pink-haired girl. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!"

"NARUTO! STOP! REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME!" screamed Sasuke, fear evident in his voice. Goddammit, he didn't want a repeat of what happened during the post-Genin exam! "DON'T DO IT! VICTORY IS NOT WORTH THAT COST!"

"I'd rather watch this than TV," said Kakashi honestly.

There was a burst of smoke, and Zabuza's eyes widened as he sensed the horrifying chakra from within. He could see it coming out of the smoke in wisps, coloured a bright purple. He had never seen purple chakra before, even in his great many years in the service of the Mizukage before his defection. Was it some sort of demon? Those things always had weird coloured chakra.

What came out, however, was something much worse.

It looked exactly like the blonde kid that had done the jutsu, except perhaps slightly shorter, and the clothing. Oh god, the clothing. It was as tacky as anything Zabuza had ever seen, but there was an aura there; a menacing, consuming aura. After sensing this aura, Zabuza would never believe in religion again. There had to be no God.

He was wearing a purple fedora with several brightly coloured feathers stuck in it fashionably, and a pair of sepia-coloured sunglasses adorned his face. The whisker marks were present, as well as the purple tacky suit. The leather shoes and the cane completed the ensemble, as well as the plethora of jewellery that adorned his hands and neck. The person tapped his cane on the ground impatiently, and looked about.

"Bitches, wassup? Where dis cat at?" asked the strange, little man. "Where Pimp-Daddy Naru at now?"

Before anybody could respond to the strange declaration however, the little man's eyes locked on Haku. Within a second, he was holding her within his hands and his nose was only an inch away from her's. Haku found herself frozen for the second time in her life (first was when she killed her family), as the sudden arrival gazed into her eyes.

"Hello dere, sugar-plum sweet-cheeks," grinned Pimp-Daddy Naruo. "Aren't you the finest bag of ho I've seen in all my life? Yes you are, yes you are. Dat fine Jap complexion, dat silky smooth hair. If you ain't the finest ding south of the North Pole den Pimp-Daddy Naru's little chicken's smaller than eight feet. You free Sunday, my little black-haired ho?"

Haku found herself unable to reply to the question as Pimp-Daddy Naru removed the sepia-coloured shades from his face at a leisurely pace. Instantly, she was enraptured with his sky-blue eyes and his sun-kissed hair hidden underneath that gaudy violet fedora. There was something about that gaze that was incredibly hot, and she found herself burning up for the first time since that fever five years ago.

"A... Um... Pimp-Daddy Naru?"

"No, no, dat's fine, sugar," grinned the purple-clad Naruto. "Pimp-Daddy Naru, dat's my street name, my business name, the name you see on cards on shit and crap. My ho's all call me sugar-daddy, sweet-cheeks, and you gonna do de same, got dat? Now, now, honey-plum, no need to be shy. Snuggle up ta daddy here, he ain't gonna hurtcha."

"Oh, um... Right, sugar-daddy," said Haku. To be honest, she really didn't know what to do anymore. The mission, her loyalty to Zabuza... It all melted away in front of this charming, yet strange, stranger. There was something about his gaze and voice that captivated her...

Zabuza was watching the scene rooted to the ground in anger. His face was brightening up like a ripe tomato. The only reason he hadn't moved and cut the boy's head off was because he wasn't sure what was happening was real just yet.

Naruto was looking at the scene in resignation. By now he had become immune to the insanity that occurred as a result of this jutsu. In fact, he was sure the reason it was a forbidden jutsu in the first place was due to the shit that was bound to occur whenever it was invoked.

Sakura and Sasuke simply stared.

Kakashi was sniggering like it was going out of style.

"Now, now, sugar-plum," grinned Pimp-Daddy Naru. "Daddy ain't gonna wait any longer, y'hear? Dis daddy has his sights set on ya, and ya's gonna give him what he wants, y'dig? Now, lemme settle in here, toots..."

"Are—are you trying to have s—sexual intercourse with me? S—Sugar-daddy?"

"No, no, sweet-cheeks," smiled Pimp-Daddy Naru, his face as innocent as an angel, before it morphed into the face of a predator. "On da street, we call dis 'makin' magic'. Trust me, ya gonna be all magicked up in a short while, sweet-cheeks."

He lowered his face, and began to nuzzle her neck. Haku moaned softly, having never experienced this kind of feeling before in her life. Although plenty of men had told her she was attractive before and had tried to court her, she had always turned them down due to her loyalty to Zabuza as well as the fact that she thought herself incapable of love. The secret to her success, even with her beauty, was the fact that she continuously told people that she was actually a man. The creepy thing was that some of the guys she rejected didn't really care.

Naruto and Sasuke both brightened instantly, although they didn't look away. Sakura dropped her face into her hands; this was something she wasn't old enough to look at yet! Kakashi grinned as he reached inside his vest and threw away his Icha Icha. This was even better than that! He had to thank Sarutobi-sama for letting Naruto onto his team... This was too much fun!

By now, Zabuza had enough. With the righteous anger of a father who had just caught his daughter in bed with the neighbourhood punk, he gripped the Kubikiri Houchou with enough strength to slightly warp the handle. With a cry, he charged the purple-clad family wrecker.

KRAK.

The Genin of Team 7 gaped as Kakashi collapsed onto the floor, rolling with laughter. Momochi Zabuza held his reddened cheek, his eyes wide with some sort of extreme emotion.

"Y—You... you bitch-slapped me," said the missing-nin in an extremely small voice, with a tiny squeak at the end. Almost smaller than Hinata the time she walked in on Neji changing. There was something quite strange about Momochi Zabuza, Demon of the Mist, being compared with Hyuga Hinata, the Mouse of Konoha.

Pimp-Daddy Naru gave the missing-nin a level stare, as Haku continued to moan from his wandering hands.

"Dat's cuz you bitch," said Pimp-Daddy Naru. "And Pimp-Daddy Naru doesn't like it when bitches try to gang in on his business, y'dig? Now run along and play wit your dollies, kid. Daddy and mummy have some catchin' up ta do, yeah. Oh yeah. Y'like it there, sugar-plum?"

Haku gave another moan of pleasure as Zabuza took his quivering hand from his cheek. He gave Pimp-Daddy Naru one more look... before bursting into tears. There was something quite disturbing about a grown man, much less the Demon of the Mist, bawling like that, Naruto thought, but he had seen much worse.

"Y—You hit me! Even my mommy never hit me! Waaaahhhh!" cried Zabuza. With that said, he turned around, wiping away his tears, and fled off into the sunset. Strange, considering there was no sunset in the first place. Perhaps Gai or Lee were around.

Kakashi looked around at the scene. Pimp-Daddy Naru was still fondling Haku, while whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Haku was preoccupied with said fondling, shrieking happily as Pimp-Daddy worked his magic. Both Naruto and Sasuke were red, and trying to look everywhere else but at the pair, and Sakura still had her face in her hands.

"Well... mission accomplished?"


	3. Unexpected Terror! Naruko!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 3: Unexpected Terror: Naruko!

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto stared at the back of the white-haired man who had knocked out his temporary sensei. Ebisu's non-moving body floated on the hot spring that he had been forcing Naruto to practice his water-walking technique, but Naruto really didn't care at that point. He was more worried about the prospect of getting not enough training, and right now he really didn't want to be taught by a closet pervert who went around getting his ass kicked by openly perverted old men.

Naruto sighed.

Sasuke had been very happy to get away from Konoha, and his Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu, and had tugged along Kakashi for the excuse of training. The silver-haired Jounin had been a lot more reluctant to leave though, due to the fact that he considered Naruto's technique prime entertainment. Sakura was somewhere in the village now, also avoiding him (last week he had accidentally summoned Pimp-Daddy Naru again, and Sakura had narrowly escaped).

There was nothing for it. He needed to learn something new if he didn't want to rely on his catch-all technique. Although it really was useful, there was a certain stigma with the technique that made him want to avoid using it altogether. Of course, if a dire situation asked for it, he would have no problem gathering a little blood and summoning himself up a doppelganger. He'd just prefer not to.

He shuddered at the thought of summoning Pimp-Daddy Naru in the middle of the last part of the Chuunin Exams. There would be important people from all over the world there, dammit, he didn't need to have his reputation ruined before he was Chuunin!

"Hey, yo, pervert," said Naruto. Of course, he really didn't mean it that way. He had seen a real pervert before... and this harmless old man peeking into the baths really didn't count. "You just knocked out my temporary sensei, take some responsibility."

"Go away, kid," grinned the old man, still with his back to him. "I'm conducting some research. Unless you've got a hot body and a willingness to strip for me, then you can go and get the hell out of my sight."

That sentence imparted Naruto with an idea.

An awful idea.

Naruto had a wonderful, awful idea.

Since the mission to the Wave, he had decided to use his special summon a bit more to get to know his alternate selves to prevent any future surprises. He had met about two or three of them, and learned just how much chakra he needed to use to summon each of them. He had also learnt about their... special abilities, and had them agree to help him out whenever they arrived.

Oh sure, it sounded hard to make a whole bunch of stubborn, pig-headed guys to go and do something like that, but it wasn't really all that hard when you were Naruto, and were dealing with a crowd of Narutos.

So far he had the support of Orange (the one who summoned those critters from those spheres), Pimp-Daddy Naru (he'd never summon him again if he had the choice), and one other, his secret weapon for dealing with perverts; open or closed.

He bribed them with ramen, and that was the end of that.

"Alright, old man," grinned Naruto. "If I give you some time alone with a hot chick who'd be willing to do anything for you, do you think you could give me a couple jutsu?"

"Ha, sure!" grinned the old man once more, obviously doubting the sincerity of the blonde nin. "If you could do something like that, I'd give you an entire scroll's worth of all the most powerful jutsu I have. But, thing is kid, nobody's that smooth. Especially not a twelve year old brat who hasn't even had his first taste of puberty just yet."

Naruto bit his lip to repress a retort, before reaching his thumb upwards and ripping it with his canines. He had gotten used to the whole masochistic thing, which made him a little uneasy at heart. Oh well, whatever. If it made it easier for him to use his ultimate technique, it was probably a good thing.

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

Jiraiya actually took the time to turn around from his peeping, interested. Apparently this kid already knew the Kuchiyose, or at least a variant. He had never heard of this variant before, even though he had the knowledge and experience of a Sennin. How interesting...

The smoke cleared, and Jiraiya felt his heart leap into his chest.

For right beside the annoying kid was the most beautiful little thing Jiraiya had ever seen. She looked a little like the kid... If he didn't know anything about the Kyuubi brat's orphaning he would've thought they were siblings. She had the blonde hair, the pale complexion, the whisker marks, and the clear blue eyes, but that was about it.

Her body was perfection, although lacking a little in the chest side. Her creamy skin was accentuated by the orange kimono she wore, which fit her like a delicate silk glove. Said kimono had a slit up the side that revealed quite a bit of leg, and what leg it was! The expression on her face was coy and playful, and yet innocent at the same time. Her hair... It must've been made of the fabric the Gods used to clothe themselves in, because nothing in the natural world should've shone and fluttered about like that. She was the perfect woman, in every sense of the word, and looked to be legal of age too!

"Oy, you old pervert. This is Naruko, a friend of mine," grinned the blonde nin. "She'll keep you company for as long as you want, as long as you give me a couple of jutsu first. I want them on a scroll, too, so that you won't back out on your deal. Can't trust perverts that way."

The blonde lady, Naruko, giggled cutely and Jiraiya could feel his heart melt.

"Hi! My name's Naruko. My friends tell me I'm a little air-headed, so please take good care of me!" smiled the girl as she bent forwards in a bow. If she had been wearing something that showed a little cleavage, Jiraiya realized, he would've been knocked out right then and there.

Naruto crossed his arms and tapped his foot.

"Well, pervert?"

"Alright, alright!" grinned the old Sennin. The kid could have all of his techniques if he wanted them, as long as he got some time to spend with the vixen! This girl alone would be able to supply his laundry list of inspiration for volumes upon volumes of Icha Icha! "Give me a second, I'll find the scroll! Just don't let this girl out of my sight, hear?!"

Naruto sighed, as Naruko continued giggling like the ditz she was. Perverts really were so predictable... Goddamn, he was worrying for the future of Konoha. With closet perverts like Ebisu. Iruka-sensei (he loved the man, but nobody should pump out that much blood upon seeing naked female flesh), and the Third Hokage, as well as open perverts like Kakashi-sensei and this old man running around, he was worried about his generation and Konohamaru's.

Jiraiya ripped out a scroll from behind him and threw it at Naruto, who caught it deftly. The blonde kid opened it up to see if it was legit, and it seemed real enough. Hari Jizou... Doton: Yomi Numa... Gama Daira... a bit on sealing... Rasengan...

"You satisfied, kid?" asked Jiraiya. Naruto nodded, it was pretty good. There weren't too many techniques, but all of them were high rank. "I'd give you the Kuchiyose as well, but it seems like you already have one. Even if it's a variant, it's not a good idea to mix summons."

"Right," said Naruto. "Our business is done here, then. Naruko, go and have some fun with the old man."

"Okie!" smiled the blonde girl, which was almost sickeningly cute. She bounced towards the old man, whose intentions were as clear to the world as a plant behind a window.

Naruto shook his head and high-tailed it out of there. He didn't want to stick around. Not with the bomb that he was planning to drop on the stupid old pervert, anyway.

Jiraiya smiled. The stupid blonde brat had finally left them. Now it was only him, and this incredibly beautiful girl who was both of legal age and air-headed personality. It seemed like the Hentai God was smiling upon him today, and even if he had to trade up a few techniques for it he still considered it a blessing from the deity above. He would've gladly given the brat all his techniques for the eternal companionship of this cute girl.

"So, what do you want to do, Naruko-chan?" he asked.

The blonde girl paused and rubbed her chin cutely.

"How about..." The innocent smile morphed into a sexy and adulterous one, and Jiraiya could feel his breath halt once more. There was a sexy beast within this ditzy thing, he realized! It was even better than his wildest dreams! "We do something naughty... big boy."

Jiraiya let out a whoop and began to rub her thighs. Naruko let out a happy moan as his hands traveled upwards, reaching into the depths of her kimono...

Wait.

There was something there.

Something... hardening.

* * *

Naruto grinned as he heard the bloodcurdling scream from the direction of the bathhouses, as if a man's blissful dream had suddenly became a nightmare. It had been perfect... Just as he had planned. He was now messing around with the scroll, and trying hard to learn how to use that Hari Jizou technique. He didn't have enough hair currently, but he figured he could always grow some.

"Thanks for your help... Naruko-**kun**."

Such a hentairiffic con!


	4. Ichiraku Ramen Stand! Terror Combo!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 4: Ichiraku Ramen Stand! Terror Combination!

* * *

"So, y'see, dawg, dis phat krew from up north came down ta da Elemental 'Hoods and dey start stirring up some trouble all up in here, ya got it?" explained Pimp-Daddy Naru as he dug into his ramen. Naruto shuddered. He wasn't quite sure how anybody could manage to eat so much fish ramen and not get tired of the smell. "Dey call demselves da Daybreak Club, and fancy demselves some sorta high-class gentlemen's club, ya dig? De ting is, I know bettah. I know dis crew just heah fo' de fine shorties o' my 'hood, so me an' mah buddy, Snuff-Daddy Gaa, we go up ta deir base and bust some ass, yo. Turns out deir boss some sorta freak, hittin' the acid all the time and thinkin' himself like six people. Straight dope. Dey got this sado-masochistic religious guy in dere too, and I done saw dem tools. Freak's got a sickle, man. Dis girl in dere, she fond o' givin' herself papercuts too, yo."

Naruto was trying his hardest to decipher the strange language that was coming out of Pimp-Daddy Naru's mouth, but after the second sentence he gave up and concentrated on his ramen. It was Weekly Treat-The-Alternate-Selves-To-Ramen Day, something that had to be done to keep them working on his side. Kakashi had insisted the rest of Team 7 tag along, for what was apparently teamwork exercises. Naruto knew better, the stupid silver-haired Jounin just wanted a couple of laughs.

So he was sitting in the middle, surrounded by Naruko-kun and Pimp-Daddy Naru. Kakashi sat beside the Pimp-Daddy, slurping his ramen through his mask (Naruto had no idea how he did that). Sakura and Sasuke sat at the far side of the stand, trying hard to not be associated with them. Orange had gone off somewhere, although none of the Naruto's knew where. It was inconceivable for a Naruto of any universe to give up free ramen, and so they nearly disowned him on the spot.

"So, you're the boss where you come from then?" asked Naruko-kun, his sweet smile fooling anybody who didn't know about his true nature. Sasuke shuddered. He remembered Naruko-kun very well from the post-Genin exam. Too well, in fact. It was still hard for him to accept that the cross-dresser had a longer schlong than him.

"Dat's right, faux toots," grinned Pimp-Daddy. "Dis cat here's da pimpiest pimp in da land, toots. His name's Da Fiyah Pimp, mastah of da art of da bitch-slap. Ma homie, Snuff-Daddy Gaa, he da mastah of da art of da pimp-slap. We tight, G, we tight."

Naruto stirred his broth. He had gotten himself a simple miso ramen, and had polished off several bowls already. Naruko's shouyuu ramen – or more technically shouyuu ramen that looked and smelt like shouyuu ramen but actually tasted like miso ramen – had been polished off about three times now.

"Ah... dem's good ramen. This shit be tight," grinned Pimp-Daddy Naru as he rubbed his stomach. "Ah, daddy's full and ready to whack some ho's. Yo, Pimp-Dawg Naru, tell me where dat fine bitch H be off at, yo."

"You... mean Haku?" asked Naruto.

"Yea, dat fine bitch. Imma off to offer her some of mah lovin'."

Naruto felt a headache coming on.

"Remember? After you... made magic to her on the bridge," said Naruto, nearly biting the words out. He was twelve, for God's sake, only twelve! He really shouldn't have seen that, not yet at least! "You dumped her right on the spot, remember? And then you poofed away. She isn't around anymore."

Pimp-Daddy Naru stroked his chin.

"Aw yeah, I dink I remembah somethin' like dat. Shame."

Naruto thought back to the aftermath of the mission. Haku had been completely inconsolable after being dumped for the first time in her life, and none of Team 7 had the heart to try and kill her after the tear-fest. Instead, they had brought her back to Konoha, allowing her to become a Leaf Chuunin. She had latched on Naruto ever since, and had been living together with him. The blonde boy had to admit there was something nice about having somebody to come home to everyday, but she tried too often to get into bed with him. Naked.

He had been sent to Konoha General Hospital's Emergency Ward after the first time for losing too much blood. It was a good thing he regenerated quickly, since the KGH didn't stock a lot of Type-0 Jinchuuriki juice.

Of course, he wasn't going to let Pimp-Daddy Naru know that. Haku had taken to completely avoiding him during the times he used Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu, as she simply didn't have the heart to meet up with her first love again. If those two met, there was going to be drama.

He didn't want no drama.

"So, what do you do, Naruko-kun?" asked Naruto, looking at his other self, not really wanting to know the answer. "I mean, we know Pimp-Daddy Naru here's a pimp, and I've already told you that I'm a ninja. We don't really know anything about you."

Naruko-kun flashed a winning smile, and Sasuke had to repress a shudder. Naruto had accepted him/her evenly enough, but Sasuke still hadn't been immunized to all the weirdness just yet, dammit!

Why the hell had Kakashi dragged him here on the last day before the third part of the Chuunin Exams?! If it was up to him he'd arrive at the last minute before his match just so that Naruto's fight could go first and he wouldn't have to deal with all this creepy shit.

"Well, for starters. I go to Madame Sarutobi's Academy For Cross-Dressers."

A spray of fine mist, made of ramen broth, erupted from Kakashi's mouth as he collapsed to the floor in giggles. Naruto shook his head, sooner or later that man was going to die of having his sides split too much.

"My best friends are Sasuko-kun and Sakuramaru-chan."

Both Sasuke and Sakura turned pale as they looked down at their ramen, suddenly having lost their appetite. Naruto gave them a once-over to make sure they were still breathing before turning back to Naruko-kun. It was like a train-wreck, you knew there was going to be something horrible and bloodcurdling at the end but you just couldn't stop it, or look away.

"So... your profession is cross-dresser then?"

"Basically!"

"Um, I don't really get it," said Naruto. "How do you make a living off that?"

"Yo, dawg, no dissin' da okama, got dat?" grinned Pimp-Daddy Naru. "Man, if I had a babe-slash-dude like you in mah club, man, we could win back some competition from dat stupid ass bar in da neighbourhood. Dey all come ta Pimp-Daddy Naru's 'Club Ninetails' when dey want some straight lovin', but when dey want dat other kinda lovin', dey always go dere."

Naruto knew he didn't want to know, but he just had to ask.

"What bar?"

"Why, Hot-Pants Sasugay's 'Cartwheel Eye for the Staight Guy' Gay Bar o' course, dawg."

Kakashi was rolling around on the ground thumping at the concrete by now, tears leaking out of his eyes as his body shook with laughter. At the side Sakura was holding a paper bag over Sasuke's mouth as he hyperventilated into it.

* * *

"Oh my god, he's after us!" cried Shino, his calm mask breaking away. He could handle enemy shinobi, he could handle invasions, he could even handle demons from the edge of hell. But for the love of God he wasn't ready for this.

"Quick, run, Shino, Akamaru! I'll distract him! Just make sure you guys get away!"

"No, Kiba! You'll die! He'll kill you!"

"Woof!" came Akamaru's panicked cry.

"No, it's alright! He's after you two anyway, so he probably won't do anything too bad to me!" cried Kiba as they ran through the alley. He would hold that thing back if he had to, heaven or hell. He had to, for the sake of his teammates. It was a good thing Hinata wasn't here, they had just been going to the hospital to visit her after the beating Neji had given her. "Run, guys! I'll hold him off at this point!"

Shino and Akamaru wiped their tears, running off into the sunset, never looking back. Which was once again rather weird, since dog's couldn't wipe their eyes and there was no sunset in the first place. Damned flames of youth.

Kiba stared at the monsters in front of him as the two figures drew forth. The one in lead looked almost exactly like Naruto except with a different wardrobe, and had that maniacal smile not been on his face Kiba would've been sure the dobe was playing a prank on him again.

"So... are you going to tell me where the Poochyena and that Ninjask went?" asked the figure, Orange, licking his lips, his right hand on one of those goddamned red-and-white spheres. "Or am I going to have to do this the hard way? I turned down an offer of free ramen for this, you know, so no way in hell am I leaving without a reward of some sort."

Kiba whimpered as the gigantic red-and-orange dragon behind Orange roared and gave a burst of flame into the sky. This was the end of him, he just knew it. There was no way in hell he'd be able to win against this demonic pair... He had never told his mom how much he loved her!

"Wait, Charizard," said Orange, looking to the side. "Do you see that?"

Kiba opened his eyes. He was alive?

The Pokemon Trainer and Pokemon had turned around, and were looking in a different direction. Suddenly, both of their expressions turned feral, and Orange made a motion to his critter. Both of them broke into a run, charging at their newfound target.

"It's a Makuhita! I've always wanted a Fighting-type! Charizard, FIRE BLAST!"

Akimichi Chouji yelped and ran for his life as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him.

"RUN, FATTY, RUN! LEVEL UP SO I WON'T HAVE TO WASTE RARE CANDIES ON YOU! THAT'S RIGHT, FATTY! FEEL THE BURN! FEEEEEEL THE BUUUUUURN! BUUUURN!"

"CHAAAAARRIIIIZAAAARRD!"

Kiba whimpered like a beaten puppy and sank to his knees. He had survived... Oh God, he had survived around round of the dreaded Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu. He put his face in his hands and thanked the Lord. There would be no Korean dog BBQ today, no thank you.


	5. Youthful Brigade of Terror!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 5: Youthful Brigade of Terror!

* * *

Naruto felt the palm instead of seeing it as he was rebounded backwards by the power of the Jyuuken. He righted himself in mid-air and landed on his feet, but was unable to repel much of the damage otherwise. He spat out a spot of blood as he glared at the white-eyed adversary he was dealing with.

"So you see," said Neji with that arrogant smile. "It was never your fate to defeat me. A loser cannot overcome a genius, no matter how hard he tries. It is better for both of us if you just sit down and submit to it."

"Shut up, you," glared Naruto with overwhelming hatred. "I'm not going to let you say anything against us losers. I don't care about fate or whatever, it's not going to keep me from winning. Hinata and Lee... they're both the same."

"Then you, too, will fight like a tiger even as a beaten dog."

"I'll do anything to win!" growled Naruto.

Hinata watched from her position up on the stands with a fearful look in her eye, crossing her fingers in a prayer. She really didn't want to see Naruto lose now... She wasn't ready for that! If it was her, she wouldn't mind. She was used to losing. Naruto, on the other hand, deserved to win after all that he had gone through.

Haku was beside her, also watching the fight with fearful eyes. She wrenched her fingers together, forcing down the desire to form a couple of seals and Demonic Mirroring the boy down there to Kingdom Come. There was equal parts fear and anger. Fear for the person who had picked her up when she had fallen down, and anger that she couldn't help him.

Sakura and Sasuke gripped the bar on the edge of the viewing area. Strange techniques or not, Naruto was still their teammate and had saved them countless times. They wanted him to win as well.

Kakashi was watching with glee. With the way the scene was progressing... Any minute now... He gripped the video recorder in his hand. With a little bit of luck and a great deal of comedy, he would be raking in more dough than Jiraiya-sama.

There it was.

The thumb rip.

The series of thirty seals.

Hinata raised her hand to her mouth, muffling a gasp.

Haku gripped the edge of her seat as she watched on.

Sasuke fainted.

Sakura hid her face in her hands.

Kakashi grinned the brightest mask-grin ever.

Was it Pimp-Daddy Naru, the terror of the women's baths? Was it the man who had deflowered half of Konoha currently, and had already over taken Jiraiya as the pervert on the scene?

Was it Orange, the demonic summoner? The man who could call out a variety of creatures with nothing more than those damned red-and-white spheres of his? The Bloodline terrorist, who had harassed no less than five of the Konoha Bloodlines and had put three of their heirs in the hospital?

Or was it Naruko-kun, the terror of the Konoha red-light district? The one who had conned several hundred tourists with promises of true pleasure, before revealing to them that they would be the ones who played hole to his hammer and nail?

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

Annnnnnd... bingo.

The smoke covered the stadium, and Neji blinked his eyes. He had heard about the Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu. In fact, it had become quite famous around Konoha for... various reasons that were impolite to discuss in front of polite company. The smoke was filled with some sort of chakra that his Byakugan could not see through. When the smoke had cleared, however, Neji found himself facing down true horror.

When Naruto had bit his thumb, he had not realized that there was already a bit of blood there. The kunai that he had used to knick Neji earlier on in the battle had already returned to him, and thus he had touched a speck of Neji's blood with his thumb already.

The mixing of blood had altered the technique.

Instead of bringing one person through the rift from another dimension, he had brought two. Two people. An alternate Naruto, and an alternate Neji. This time he had thrown his chakra wild, and had put in a different amount than what he had done for his previous summons. The results would drive any sane man mad.

"By the White-Eyed Flames of Youth, where am I?"

"By the Great Ramen Bowl of Youth, where am I?"

Neji's shriek reached the sky as the visage of not one, but two green spandex-wearing Genin met his eyes. There, in front of him, was the product of his worst nightmares, except doubled. One of them looked exactly like him, down to the last detail, including his monotone expression (was that even a phrase?), all except for that horrifying green spandex. The other one looked exactly like Naruto, except that he too was clad in that Cthulhu-inspired green spandex.

"Man, it looks like we've been transported into another world through some mysterious means, Neji," said the alternate Naruto, looking around at the large stadium. "Looks like we're in the middle of a fight."

"Nonsense," said alternate Neji with a slight shake of his head and a disgruntled expression. Neji sighed in relief; this guy really did act exactly the same as him. Perhaps the green spandex was just an illusion; a result of training too much. "Mysterious means? You watch too much science fiction. There is only one force capable of doing such things..."

Both alternates' eyes suddenly burst into flames.

"...THE FLAMES OF YOUTH!"

Neji turned and tried escaping from the horrible vision that had been visited upon him, wiping his eyes and running off into the setting sun. Except there was no sunset.

Instead, there was a wall. Poor Neji rammed straight into it, and fell into the blissful realm of unconsciousness where the Branch Family ruled the Hyuga with the Main Family under their heels and the sky was permanently a light mauve colour, and where there was a merciful lack of green spandex.

Kakashi collapsed to the floor in laughter once more as his Kage Bunshin held tight onto the tape-recorder and was taking down every single second of this priceless footage. He hadn't laughed this much since the time he had tricked Gai into going commando on a lap around the entire village.

"Say, my good friend the White Beast of Konoha."

"Yes, the Orange Beast of Konoha?"

"Am I the only one feeling a song coming on?"

"No, my friend, I believe you are not."

Gai and Lee leapt from the stands, tears flowing from their eyes at the prospect of meeting up with more of their long-lost spandex-wearing family.

* * *

"Say, my good friend Sarutobi."

"Yes, Kazekage-dono?"

"Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or do we have a four-man crew of what seems to be people clad in green spandex down on the field, playing a rendition of Michael Jackson's 'Don't Stop Till You Get Enough'?"

Sarutobi looked a little closer. Yes, indeed. There, right beside an unconscious Hyuga Neji and a resigned-looking Uzumaki Naruto, was a band of four green spandex-clad men. Apparently something had happened with the Alternate Universe Kuchiyose.

"Yes, my good friend. That does seem to be the case."

"Ah, but I must trouble you once more," said Orochimaru, who had disguised himself as the Kazekage by killing him. His face had been meld into the perfect mask, betraying no emotion, but it was cracking. "Is... is everybody... dancing to the tune? I think I see the Fire Daimyo's wife... Oh Lord, the poor cat. She's going to crush him to death."

"I do believe so."

"Ah. Then... one last question."

"Shoot."

"Will you engage me in a dance-off? I find the tune quite catchy."

"Of course, my good man," said Sarutobi, puffing on the pipe. He had long since moved past the absurdity of the current situation, and was now contemplating Neji's singing voice. It seemed a little bit too similar to Michael Jackson's for his taste. "Of course."

When did Gai learn to play the electric guitar?

* * *

Everybody had grabbed partner, and there was a whirlwind of activity down on the field. Every ninja, from the Jou to the Ge, had grabbed themselves a partner or not and found themselves on the dancing floor.

Temari found herself doing the tango with Shikamaru.

Sakura found herself in a square dance formation with a still-unconscious Sasuke.

Kiba was doing the East Coast Swing.

Shino was doing the West Coast Swing.

Gaara, strangely enough, had plopped down his gourd and had broke out some mad breaking moves, shocking all those who had the opportunity to see it. He had to find some sort of hobby to do during those long, lonely nights after all.

* * *

"My good friend Kazekage-dono."

"Don't say it, Hokage-dono, don't say it."

"But I simply must."

"Don't do it, man, I'm warning you."

The Sandaime Hokage ignored his opponent's warning. He had completely decimated his opponent in the epic dance-off ninja boogie of the century, and the entire stadium had seen it, from the Fire Daimyo to the Wind Daimyo to the little Chuunin Umino Iruka. There was only one thing left that he had to do to make his victory complete.

"I'm afraid..." said Sarutobi, still smoking his pipe. He wriggled his eyebrows. "That the Professor has just taken you to _school_."

Orochimaru threw his hands up into the air, howling in rage. Coincidentally, that was also the signal for the beginning of the invasion.


	6. The Whiteclad Terror, Dr Uzumaki!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 6: The White-clad Terror, Dr. Uzumaki!

* * *

Gaara sighed. The fun was over, the party postponed. Now he had to go from Beats Gaara the Break-God back to Sabaku no Gaara the mass-murderer. Well, there was nothing he could do about that... It wasn't like he enjoyed doing one over the other, after all, it was more like he didn't often get recognition for his hidden talent. It felt good to be acknowledged every once in a while, but now it was time to go back to proving his existence.

Oh dear, there it went again. The pain lanced through his arm as he took to the woods. The Suna forces wanted him out of there before he transformed, since there was a high chance of him killing his allies if he stayed within the village as he morphed. Now if only that orange-suited menace got out of his face, he could go on his merry way and lay waste to a village full of innocents.

Naruto thought differently. He had been ordered by Kakashi-sensei to pursue Gaara, who had proven himself to be quite dangerous and a Jinchuuriki himself, and to make sure that he wasn't going to do anything that would wreck their forces. Currently, the process of the boy's transformation seemed to be doing just that. He certainly couldn't let him do whatever the hell he wanted now.

"Why... why must you get in my way... Uzumaki Naruto!?"

Naruto flinched as the harsh voice reached his ears. It seemed that the boy in front of him hadn't been kidding around about that demon in his stomach after all, if the transformation was anything to go by. He had seen how the guy had taken down Rock Lee after all, and he didn't want the same thing happening to him. With a sigh, he bit his thumb and knew exactly what to do.

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

As always, there was that smoke. And soon enough, it withered away to reveal the figure within. Once again Naruto had taken a chance with the summoning, and had switched up the amount. Although there was no guarantee that the summoned being would be able to deal with Gaara, Naruto had confidence in the technique that had – technically – never failed him before.

The figure that emerged from the smoke was not quite what Naruto had expected or wanted. He was, undoubtedly, a version of him. The blonde hair, the blue eyes, the whisker marks, and yadda. However, he had no muscles of any kind and wore a pair of old-fashioned glasses that looked real easy to break in a fight.

"Where am I?" asked the alternate Naruto, looking around. His sight fell upon vision of the half-transformed Gaara. "Oh my, Sabaku no Gaara. I thought I had treated you a while ago. Have you regressed, then?"

"W—What? What are you talking about, puny human?"

The alternate Naruto shook his head and pushed his glasses up with his middle finger. Suddenly, an aura came about him. His expression changed from his absent smile to something that seemed more like a warrior preparing for gladiatorial combat.

"It seems that my treatment hasn't done you very much good," said the alternate Naruto, more to himself than anybody else. "Very well then, this time I will give you your money's worth. We will crush your problems in one session, Mr. Gaara, or else my name isn't Dr. Uzumaki Naruto... Master Counsellor. Don't worry, I have a PHD."

Gaara looked at the recliner that had appeared out of nowhere with dread as Dr. Uzumaki sat down on a little wooden stool and pulled out a clipboard.

Naruto just shrugged, and pulled himself up a chair as well. If this worked out for Gaara, perhaps he'd appoint a session for himself as well. Lord knows his traumatic childhood wasn't doing him any favours, as well as the tendency to wear bright orange and the constant thirst for attention.

* * *

"COME, THEN, MY DISCIPLES! TODAY, WE SHALL INGRAIN THE POTENTIAL OF THE FLAMES OF YOUTH INTO ALL THESE UNYOUTHFUL SHINOBI! WITH THE POWER OF OUR FISTS AND LEGS, LET US CATCH THEM FROM THEIR DARK PATH AND PUSH THEM BACK ONTO THE ONE TRUE WAY; THE PATH TO YOUTH! ROLL CALL, MY STUDENTS! THE BEAUTIFUL EMERALD BEAST OF KONOHA, HERE!"

"YOSH, GAI-SENSEI! THE PRIDEFUL AZURE BEAST OF KONOHA, HERE!"

"YOSHATTEBAYO! THE ENERGETIC ORANGE BEAST OF KONOHA, HERE!"

"BY THE YOUTHFUL POWER OF FATE, THE DESTINED WHITE BEAST OF KONOHA, HERE!"

Kakashi turned away from putting his hand through the lung of a particularly stubborn Sound shinobi to look back at the destruction that the Green Team™ was causing. Apparently they still hadn't gotten rid of their instruments, as they had been in the middle of playing when the invasion broke out.

He nodded his head as Gai smashed his green electric guitar over the head of a Sound-nin with a cry and the Orange Beast lodged one of his drumsticks in the eye of another. He continued watching as Lee lodged his axe within the rectum of the next shinobi before pulling it out and shredding out a mind-numbing solo, and the White Beast bit the head off another Sound-nin and wailed into the microphone about youth before collapsing in tears.

He had tried finding some way of describing the way that the Youth Brigade fought; he had tried to see if it was possible to write down the way that he was feeling when he saw the carnage. He had succeeded in pinning down the word he was looking for.

This was _hardcore_.

Thank god his video-recorder-wielding Kage Bunshin hadn't been dispelled yet. He _really_ needed this on film.

* * *

"So, just to recap what you've been telling me... You were born with a demon sealed within you, and the hatred of all those who should've held you dear. Your father has sent numerous assassins after you, and your uncle tried to kill you in a suicide attack. You were shunned by your entire village and trained as nothing more than a living weapon, and if you fall asleep the demon within you eats your soul? You enjoy killing, and have committed multiple murders, because you believe that it proves your existence."

Gaara nodded. It felt strangely refreshing to get all that off his chest, and the recliner was comfortable. His gourd sat to the side of the recliner, feeling a little lonely now that the red-haired Jinchuuriki wasn't carrying it around. Oh well, it would be a big gourd and suck it up. Anything for its master.

Dr. Uzumaki clucked his tongue.

"Well, it seems that you've picked up a bit more baggage since the last time I saw you," said Dr. Uzumaki. "But that's quite alright. These things happen during the course of a lifetime after all. What's important is that we get you past it. Are you sure this is everything? Is there anything else that you want to tell me about? If you want me to help you, you have to trust me enough to tell me everything, after all."

Gaara nodded. He couldn't really think of anything else, and not for lack of trying either.

"Well, then, I see what's going on here," said Dr. Uzumaki, as nonchalant as you pleased. "It seems that you are suffering from a lack of love, and as a direct result of that you have a lack of human compassion and judge yourself on how you affect other people. Thus, your desire to kill. To prove to yourself that you're alive."

Gaara nodded once more. That seemed just about right. The good doctor must've agreed with his point of view then, and maybe if he asked nicely enough would willingly give himself up to the greater cause of proving his, Gaara's, existence. That would make things a lot easier for both of them.

"Well, I have a solution for that."

"Does it involve me killing you?"

"That wouldn't help you," said Dr. Uzumaki calmly, as though his patient hadn't just threatened his life. "It would just detach you from human companionship even more. I, however, do have a few suggestions that should help you change for the better."

"You do?" asked Gaara, surprised.

"Yes. First order of business is, we must get you a pet."

"What kind of pet?" asked Gaara, excited. Could he get himself a scorpion, perhaps? He loved those things, as much as a guy who couldn't love anyways. If it had babies, perhaps he could put some of them in Kankurou's food.

"A hamster. Or a bunny rabbit."

There was silence.

"A... _bunny rabbit_."

"Yes, a bunny rabbit," answered Dr. Uzumaki, cool as you please. "And, the second thing... I recommend you that you hug each member of your family at least once per day and tell them that you love them. This will help you reconnect with your family, thus allowing a stabilizing force within your life. I'm sure it will provide you with a great pillar of emotional support, thus giving your daily life a solid foundation, which will definitely enhance your happiness levels."

More silence.

"A bunny rabbit... and _hugs_."

"Ah, yes," said Dr. Uzumaki, tapping his clipboard. "The last thing. I want you to give up killing."

Gaara's eyes widened at this one.

"No means no, Gaara," said Dr. Uzumaki. "Killing has blinded you to the polite rules of society. I understand that it is an essential part of your profession as a shinobi, but you take too much joy in it to be healthy. Now, I am willing to write a doctor's note to your superior if you really need it, but I think you should be fine. Our session is over, but should you ever have a need for me again, I'll be waiting in my office."

With that said, Dr. Uzumaki walked over to Gaara, who was still sitting in his recliner, dazed. With a helpful smile and a tug, he helped the red-haired boy to his feet, before sending him off. The white-clad Naruto smiled as he saw his patient jump through the woods, obviously on the path to a new life.

He heard the soft sound of a butt hitting leather behind him and turned around.

Naruto met Naruto.

"Work your magic, doc. I like your results."

One Naruto grinned and the other smiled, as the white-clad one sat down once more on the stool that he had produced out of thin air (or hammerspace, depending on your knowledge of anime physics). He flipped over the page in his clipboard, and licked the nib on his pen.

"Now, tell me about your childhood..."

* * *

"Gaara! You're back!" cried Temari as she joined in the whole-sale slaughter. "Look, I don't know what you were doing in the forest, but the invasion force really needs your help right now! Apparently the Leaf has been training a new force, or something, in the use of instruments and bad fashion as weaponry, so—Gaara, what are you doing?"

"Hugging. That's what my psychiatrist told me to do."

Silence.

"Oh yeah, I love you, sis."

_THUMP._

Temari had pulled a Hinata.


	7. Symphony of Hearts, Naruko’s Terror!

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 7: Symphony of Hearts, Naruko-chan's Terror!

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was currently messing around with the Alternate Universe Kuchiyose no Jutsu, trying to learn more about the kind of people he could summon. So far, he found that he could summon a pimp, a cross-dresser, a Pokemon Trainer, and two green-clad spawn of Satan... and more. To anybody else, that seemed like a veritable army, something vile enough to fry the brain of anybody who turned their eyes on it. To Uzumaki Naruto, that was not enough.

Haku had left early in the morning to get some vegetables, and some ramen, since she knew he loved that stuff. She had finished making the rest of it this morning, and had tried to serve it to him in bed. Naked. Like she had been trying to do for the past week.

He was slowly getting used to it.

That scared him.

Naruto quickly shook that thought away from his psyche. It was better not to dwell on things like that. Things like that... They drove people mad. If he kept thinking about it, he was going to end up like the rest of the perverts in the village, he just knew it. He would become one of... them.

He shuddered.

Well, there was no time to worry about that. He ripped the skin off his thumb once more, and slammed it down onto the ground with gusto. But not before doing his thirty seals, of course. How could he ever forget that?

"ALTERNATE UNIVERSE KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"

There was that burst of smoke, and right there in the middle of the room was the figure that he had summoned. Of course, there was the stereotypical blonde hair, and the stereotypical blue eyes, and the stereotypical whisker marks. It seemed to have been a success at least. It was also female. It resembled his Oiroke no Jutsu to a ridiculous degree, although it had normal sized breasts instead of flesh-coloured watermelons. Twin ponytails, check.

The strange thing, though, was that she was unconscious, and her body was filled with wounds. Naruto's generous heart instantly took control of him, and he rushed to her rescue, mending her wounds with the first-aid kit that he had bought somewhere.

He had no experience in this kind of thing, but that was alright, right?

He had a manual.

Now all he had to do was learn French.

"Lessee here... I think I remember that Kakashi-sensei said whenever you have a wound, you first have to cleanse it out with a hundred-percent pure alcohol. Mixed with salt. Hmm... how much was that supposed to be again? Gah, whatever. I'll just get all the beer that Pimp-Daddy Naru left here last time and all my table salt and just blend it together, then I'll pour it over your wounds," said Naruto, smiling at the injured young girl. "Don't worry, you'll be perfectly fine!"

The female Naruto whimpered in her sleep.

The treatment was finished soon enough, and although painful, it had proven... strangely effective. After a couple minutes, the girl had sat up screaming; apparently she had decided that it was easier to aggravate her injuries rather than sit through the 'care' that he was going through all the trouble to provide her with.

Notice the quotes.

"Where am I?" asked the girl. "And why do you look like me?"

Naruto quickly ran through the explanation that he had given all of his alternate selves. It was something that he had gotten used to doing lately, what with all his alternates popping up out of nowhere. The explanation served to calm her, and soon enough she was sitting on his bed instead on lying on it.

"So, what's your name then?" asked Naruto.

"Um... Uzumaki Naruko."

Oh well, that was a bit of a problem.

"You mind if I just call you Naruko-chan?"

* * *

The tour of the village had been great, Naruko-chan thought to herself as she walked along with her companion. Although the alternate universe thing had been a little hard for her to swallow at first, she was sure that the boy beside her wasn't a liar. His radiant personality just seemed to scream honest from the heart, and it was hard not to be taken in by his all-encompassing kindness. It didn't hurt that he was pretty cute either.

She gave him an once-over. Indeed, he seemed to be quite the good-looking guy, or he would grow up to be one very soon anyway. Instantly, she was hit with the implications of getting... intimate with an alternate version of herself. She instantly blushed, and admonished herself for thinking such naughty thoughts.

Trapped within her thoughts, she almost missed the beautiful black-haired girl that was bargaining with a shopkeeper. Had Naruto not called out to her, Naruko would've missed her completely. She had been holding a senbon to the neck of a particularly stubborn merchant.

"Haku-chan! Do you have the ramen yet?"

Haku turned around to greet her hopefully-boyfriend-to-be, and her attitude instantly went through a complete one-eighty. Whereas she had been on the edge of murder before, her face was nothing if not calm, collected, and a little embarrassed now.

"Ah, Naruto-san!" smiled Haku. "Don't worry about it please. This man here is being a little hard with the prices, but I'll be able to acquire some high-quality ramen soon enough. Who's your friend? Another one of your Kuchiyose?"

"Yep! This is Naruko-chan."

"I see," smiled Haku. "Well then, have a good time. Now then, where were we? Oh yes, you were on the threshold of pissing your pants. Let's see if I can make you go that extra inch."

"I—I... I already said I'd give you those noodles for free! What do you want from me!?"

"Oh, you were worried about that? Don't be. From here on out it's just going to be for my own amusement," said Haku, smiling winningly. "Now, moneybags. Are you going to piss your pants or am I going to have to remove a testicle or two? Hmm? Either way it's public humiliation, so it's a win-win situation for me. Maybe next time you'll give in to my demands a little quicker."

Maybe it was just him, thought Naruto to himself, but it seemed as if Haku's personality had... somehow changed after that incident on the bridge. Of course, he had never been a good friend of the girl's before Pimp-Daddy Naru's arrival, but he had been sure that she hadn't ever been so... vengeful before.

Naruko-chan's thoughts were on a completely different matter. That... harlot had seemed so familiar with Naruto-kun! Were they... could they possibly be seeing each other? Goddammit! She had just met the man of her dreams and now there was a chance that he was taken already! No, no... She had to calm down. They had hardly acknowledged each other in the market. Perhaps they were simply good friends.

Yes, that was probably the best way to rationalize it. It wasn't like they did naughty things together or lived together or something like that. There was no way that kids their age could be living together anyway.

Oh, sweet, sweet ignorance.

"Hinata-chan!"

"N—Naruto-kun!"

Naruko-chan's heart went ping. Another 'chan'?

"What are you doing in the market?" asked Naruto. "Looking for something to eat? I thought your big-ass family had servants for that kind of thing, so you wouldn't have to do it yourself."

God, she was rich too? Naruko-chan felt her chances slipping from her even further, as Naruto-kun seemed to get a little further and further from her grasp with every person he encountered.

"N—No, not really," said Hinata. "I—I'm just trying to get to the place where Team 8 was supposed to meet... It's nothing really."

"Alright then," grinned Naruto. He slapped Hinata on the back. "See you around!"

The white-eyed girl gave a little squeak and collapsed on the floor without another sound. Naruto shook his head, this happened all the time, and walked on forwards. Naruko-chan stepped over the fallen girl carefully, before following on after Naruto.

Naruko thought back on the encounter. Although it was painfully clear the girl had a huge crush on Naruto-kun, she was way too shy to say anything about it. It seemed like Naruto-kun himself had no idea what she felt either, so that was a point in her favour.

Good. It seemed like there would be no competition in this town for her Naruto-kun's heart...

"Naruto-kun!"

"Naruko-kun!"

Naruko-chan's world came crashing down around her.

* * *

"Why are you leaving already?" asked Naruto. Naruko-chan was sitting on his bed, trying to learn the seals for dismissing herself. She had begun acting strange the moment that he had met up with Naruko-kun, who had been buying him/herself some clothing in the market.

"Um... My... team needs me home, yeah," said Naruko-chan.

The moment she had set sights on that vision of feminine beauty, she knew she had lost. There was no way an earthly girl like her could ever match up to the heavenly looks of that woman. It was over. Game. Set. Match.

But no way she was going to let it go like that.

'I may have lost today, harlots... But I won't give up or my name's not Uzumaki Naruko!' thought the mistaken blonde to herself, grinning as she said so. She may have lost the battle today, but the war wasn't over with yet! 'Next time I arrive, I'm going to charm Naruto-kun off his feet! Wash your necks and wait!'

"Just call on me anytime you need me, Naruto-kun," smiled Naruko-chan. "I'll definitely help you out, as long as you take me out for ramen!"

With that said Naruko-chan crossed back into her own world with a puff of smoke.

Naruto sighed as he watched his newfound friend disappear.

"How come I never have any luck with women?" he mumbled to himself, slightly depressed. "Goddammit it... I wished I had the guts of Pimp-Daddy Naru. That guy gets all the girls."

The poor kid was oblivious to his own good fortune.


	8. Memories Besieged! Neji’s Terror!

---

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!

Chapter 8: Memories Besieged! Neji's Terror!

---

A/N: Haven't written fanfiction in a while, and didn't really want to get into writing serious stuff again. So here's more for ya!

---

Neji sighed as he stared towards the sky. It was the third day after the invasion had ended, and the Sandaime had died as a result of too much ninja boogieing with Orochimaru, although with his sacrifice he managed to seal the dance moves of the other nin. Nobody really mourned his death, though, as they knew he had died doing what he loved to do. Instead, they had a celebration of his life going on in the streets, as well as a dance tournament that Gaara had ended up winning in the end with his mad breaking moves.

In the distance, he saw Gai and Lee arriving. Usually, their presence alone would be enough to start his eye-twitch, but after seeing what he had during the third part of the Chuunin exams he had realized that he really had it easy. Two spandex demons from straight out of hell were better than four spandex demons from straight out of hell with one that looked exactly like him.

He shuddered uncontrollably as Gai and Lee landed next to him. Retaining his aura of 'more-destined-than-thou' snobbishness, he looked down his nose at the two. Lee gave a youthful 'Yosh', and Gai did his teeth-sparkle.

"My students!" cried Gai. "We are all here now then! Let us get on with our youthful training!"

"Hai, Gai-sensei!"

Neji's eyebrow rose.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" asked Neji. "We aren't all here just yet. Have you forgotten about Tenten?"

This exclamation had a strange effect upon the youthful duo. Gai's face took on a confused expression and Lee looked at Neji strangely. The white-eyed youth couldn't help but feel as if something was wrong.

"Tenten?" asked Gai. "Who's that? Do you know, Lee?"

"I have not heard of that name before either, Gai-sensei."

Neji's jaw would've dropped had he been that kind of person, but he was much too cool for such reactions. Instead, his one eyebrows rose higher, almost vanishing underneath his hairline.

"Tenten? Girl with buns in her hair? Throws a lot of weapons and doesn't have much of a personality?" asked Neji, crossing his arms. Had the youthful duo become senile after spending too much of their youth too quickly? Goddamn it, they had him saying youth too. "The third person on our team? Hello?"

Gai shook his head.

"I think you're confused, Neji-kun."

"Yosh!" cried Rock Lee. "We have always been a two person team!"

Neji shook his head. What was going on here?

---

"What are you talking about?!" cried Neji as he screamed at the woman, the reception in the Konoha Office of Internal Affairs. "What do you mean you have no records of a Tenten in your database?! That can't be right! She's my third teammate, she throws a lot of weapons and was in the Chuunin exam! Check under Team Gai!"

"Look, I already have!" said the woman, shaking her head of blonde hair exasperated. "There is record of a Team Gai, but that's only a two-man team! It says here that the academy that year was short a member, so they had to make this arrangement! That's what the paper says!"

"That's impossible! Check the academy records!"

"This is the second time you told me to do that, and I did it already!" screamed the woman back at the white-eyed Hyuga prodigy. "Look! Here's Rock Lee, here's Hyuga Neji, but there's no Tenten of any kind, alright!? Leave me alone! She's probably just a figment of your imagination or something!"

"No way!"

However, there was doubt there.

"Oh yeah?! Well what's her surname then?!"

"I... I..."

"You don't even know that?!" cried the woman. "Then get the hell out of my office! How do you expect me to find somebody who doesn't exist?!"

Hyuga Neji was run out of the doorway as a barrage of office supplies followed him on the way out. What the hell was going on in this town!?

---

"Naruto! Do you know where Tenten is?!"

"Who?"

"Temari, please tell me you know where Tenten is!"

"Whozzat?"

"The person who you beat to advance into the third round!"

"What are you talking about? I was seeded during the preliminaries because there was a lack of people. I didn't get to fight a match during the preliminaries at all. You crazy, fate boy."

"Shikamaru... Do you know where Tenten is?"

"Does this have anything to do with my clouds?"

"No."

"Then kindly get the hell out of my face. You're blocking the view."

"Kurenai-sensei! Do you know where—AAHHHHHH!"

"KYAAAAAHHH!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAH! Don't you know when to knock, Neji?!"

"Asuma-sensei?! What the hell are you doing here in Kurenai-sensei's...! Is that... is that whipped cream?! What the hell are you two deviants doing?! What... what's with the vacuum cleaner and the balloons?! How could you do that with a lightbulb?!"

"NEJI, GET OUT!"

"Fine, I don't want to be here anyway! Look, just one question before I go."

"What is it? Make it quick! We're busy here!"

"Do you have any bleach? I need to wash my eyes."

"Underneath the sink in the washroom, second bottle from the left. It's gray-coloured, and has a skull-and-crossbones on the front cover. You can't miss it."

"Thank you very much... Ah, yes, that's much better. I'll take my leave then."

"Please."

THUNK.

"Neji? The door is a couple meters to your left."

"Thank you. My sight is a small price to pay to get rid of that image before it sank into the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind. Fate dictates that I should get out of here as fast as my little ninja legs can carry me."

Neji collapsed in the middle of the town, finally finished with running around. His breathing came out in gasps and puffs, as sweat rolled down his face. He blinked his eyes as his mind connected everything that he had collected from around the village, and put them all together.

What the hell was going on here?! It was as if Tenten had never existed. It was beyond strange, it was too weird... It was completely impossible!

What if... what if the problem wasn't with the rest of the world? What if the problem was with...

"Say, my good fellow. Are you having a spot of difficulty over there?" asked a well-mannered and cultured voice. "I'm a psychiatrist, you know. I have a PhD. Perhaps I can help you out a little."

Neji looked up, and the sight of Dr. Uzumaki met his eyes.

---

"So you say that you have been running around this entire day," recapped Dr. Uzumaki as he licked the nip on his pen. "Looking for a teammate of yours that may or may not exist. You can remember her, but nobody else can. There is no evidence that she has existed at all."

They were situated in his little clinic in downtown Konoha, he had moved here after realizing just how many people in this world were messed up in some way or the other. Being summoned by his alternate self, Dr. Uzumaki considered, had been a blessing in some ways, allowing him to use his full abilities to help a world that needed him. It had been rewarding so far.

"That sounds about right so far," agreed Neji as he sank into the recliner. "I don't know what to do, doctor. What's going on? Is there something wrong with me, or is there something wrong with the world?!"

"Calm down, Neji," said Dr. Uzumaki calmly. "I believe that you are simply suffering from the effects of too much stress."

"Stress."

"Yes, Neji, stress. You say that you have always remembered your team as being three people, when it was actually two this entire time," said Dr. Uzumaki, licking the nib on his pen once more and jotting down a few lines. "I believe... that this Tenten of yours is a figment of your imagination. Now, before you protest, consider this scenario. You, a young, normal man, has just been put on a team with two people you consider lunatics, and will be spending much of your time with them. You consider them both crazy, and cannot talk to them. Soon enough, you begin to want to vent your feelings, but you cannot. Thus, you create an imaginary being to converse with and create stability that your teammates cannot provide you with..."

Dr. Uzumaki crossed his fingers.

"...this Tenten of yours. Tell me. This Tenten... Is there anything about her that stands our whatsoever? Is there any particularly sharp image that comes to mind whenever you think about her?"

Neji thought about it.

"Well... no, not really. She's very plain, and I barely notice her sometimes. The only thing that I really notice about her is the fact that she uses a lot of long-range weaponry."

"Classic symptoms," said Dr. Uzumaki. "She is plain, and there is nothing special about her. She is simply... 'there'. You don't notice her unless you suddenly need her for something, as she never approaches you. There is nothing special, there is nothing different. She is simply another 'girl'. Her personality is a complete opposite to your companions, 'weird' compared with 'normal'. Even her weaponry is opposed to the weaponry of your teammates... 'long-ranged weapons' as opposed to 'close-ranged fists'. Consider this, Neji. Do you see my point?"

Neji nodded, slowly. Although he didn't want to believe it, it seemed as if the doctor had a point. Perhaps... Tenten really was a figment of his imagination, then? It seemed more and more likely the longer he thought about it.

"I... see, doctor. What do you recommend?"

"Take a break from your duties for a little while," said Dr. Uzumaki. "Lay back and relax in your home. Talk to your family, play some board games. Whatever you do, do not think of your teammate or sensei. If 'Tenten' appears again, simply ignore her or tell her to her face that she's a figment of your imagination. By doing something out of the ordinary, you can dispel your illusions."

Neji smiled. The doctor had some very good points. Of course, it was to be expected. The man was wearing white, after all, and everybody knew white was the colour of prodigies and the Gods.

"Thank you very much, doctor. I will take my leave now."

"Take a business card with you on the way out," said Dr. Uzumaki. "My assistant Haku will provide you with one if you require it. If any of your friends start acting strangely, please recommend them to me."

"I will. Thanks again for your help, doctor."

Dr. Uzumaki smiled as he watched another patient walk onto the path of recovery. It was good to see that his efforts were rewarded.

---

Tenten swore as she looked around, having returned from her long-term mission. People that should've known her walked by her in the streets, and all of her paperwork in Internal Affairs had been put through the shredder apparently by accident.

Konoha had forgotten about her. Again. This was the twenty-third time now.

'Generic, Expendable Ninja' was a horrible Bloodline Limit.


End file.
